So tomorrows the pre assessment and i'm feeling fine.
Well,as fine as you can feel about having to get myself and a three year old organised, fed and to the hospital by 8:30 in  the MORNING!!!
I took my own advice this long weekend and (did my best) to make the most of everyday. To keep my patience,hold my tongue,smile a lot,cook a lot and cuddle those i love as much as they would let me - and i feel much better for it. All filled up inside if you know what i mean.

I found this fabulous quote by John Lennon when i was cruising around cyberspace and it goes a little something like this:

It made me think a bit about how we view ourselves.A freak to himself maybe but one of the world's finest musical geniuses to a lot of us - which in turn got me to thinking about the people i know who really know me,despite the harsh judgments i may make of myself.

We went up the coast for an old friends birthday party on Saturday-well,she's not actually old (of course not,since she's the same age as me and I'm still  23 in my head) but we've known each other for close to 20 years now,which is a big chunk of my life.
We dont see each other very often these days but it was pretty magical being able to let it all hang out with someone who's been there through everything- schooldays,fighting over crushes (but i saw him first!!),laughing til we cry,wagging school,dance parties,drinking,working,flatting,the low times,the up times,the birth of my daughter and of course the big diagnosis and beyond.

 I had to pinch myself.Yes,thats my daughter getting to know people that i went to school with!!!
These people to MissK will be the 'friends of mum and dad' that she remembers as she grows up- which of course made me pinch myself again - oh my goodness does that mean that i am now an adult???!!
It boggles my mind to think that i am the same age as my parents when they had me and how old i must seem to my three year old.
I swear,the years have just flown past.So many wonderful amazing years.So many incredible events.So many more to come.

The look on missK's face when i told her that we (Me,MissM,MissT and MrL) all went to school together was a bit priceless. Her mouth dropped open and her expression clearly read :
'You? Her?Him? Were children once? I'm not sure i believe that.Are you just tricking me???'
Just you wait Missk- before you know it your own children will be giving you that same look.

one for manchild

I've been stashing away fabrics for Manchilds blanket for ages.
He said when i first started making them that he would like one sometime,whenever i had the time to make it.
This evening my Mum had MissK overnight and Manchild came home exhausted and headed to bed for a nap before the Australia/Wales bronze cup match....
So i got busy!! Frantically busy to get it finished in time to curl up under and watch the rugger.
this is what i ended up with-

it was harder than i would've believed to find decent boy fabric,let alone fabric for a grown boy- but after some hunting i was happy with what i got

Loving the flames,loving the little bits of man-advice,the skulls and the barbed wire.
And best of all....






So did he .

Isn't it funny how after a while even miracles become tarnished,abit like when you live in a house with an awe inspiring view but over time you stop seeing it.
I seem to have lost sight of the big picture over the last few weeks,bogged down with the day to day slog of tiredness,a defiant,rule-rejecting preschooler,rebellious body and constant niggling worry about the future and finances.

The fact of the matter is that no matter which way that you look at it - I'm here in this world and even the hard times are a gift when the choice is to be alive or not be alive.
In its own way its so easy to be grateful and appreciative when a huge life changing event is taking place (even if its intensely scary!)- it makes you see that awe inspiring view all over again.
It's the daily life that its easy to get lost in. Every now and then we get a sharp reminder of what we have.
Mine came this week when i was reading about a friends Zumbathon to raise money for a 32 year old who had died from cancer (i hope i have all my facts right) and obviously,as that was my age when i was diagnosed, it was as if someone had just dumped abucket of ice cold water on my head and yelled "Buck UP lil Missy!!! Look what you have and be grateful!!!! Dont just sit there,make the MOST of it because it could have all been so different"

And indeed it could have.
There would have been a time when i would've heard that news and thought '32 years old?gosh thats sad' but now i cant help wonder about the family that she left behind. The people that loved her who will miss her every day. What and who she could have been and i wonder how you would even start living with that kind of loss but i guess that that is the investment that we make in our lives,if you give deeply you will received deeply but the flip side is that you may also lose deeply.
A close friend said to me recently that becoming a parent has made her more fatalistic- she suddenly became aware of all the things that could go wrong in the world.
I know what she means,embarrassing to admit but i cry in movies where children die these days -even grown up children and even corny movies. MissK has opened up a whole wonderous part of myself that i never knew exsisted.
But its frightening too and i know that is what I'm finding so hard about the upcoming tests.
After having gone through the cancer challenge once i had my eyes opened to what i had in my life and now I'm twice as scared to lose it.

Maybe the way to look at it is not to waste the next two weeks worrying about whats coming up but instead to spend the next two weeks relishing every boring,hard,funny,exciting,wonderful aspect of my life just in case.
That wonderful defiant preschooler of mine is showing me tenacity that will help her achieve what she wants in her life,that wonderful manchild of mine who sometimes comes home tired and grouchy is pushing himself to exhaustion to provide for his family. There is a flip side to every situation,i just have to work harder to see it.

The most wonderous thing I can think of is not even tangible.
If it all went pear shaped tomorrow,MissK is of an age now where she would have memories of me- when she wouldn't have 2 years ago when i was 32. I'm grateful in a way that i cant describe for that.Hopefully she will remember long mornings snuggled in bed reading books,baking cakes,splashing in puddles,chasing the dogs in the backyard,picnics,playgrounds and lots and lots of TIME together over the last 2 and half years.
Tell me again what more i could possibly wish for?

You are all amazing.
When i wrote the last post i felt like i was facing the next scary event in my life alone but so many wonderful people have rung or messaged to say that they are thinking of me and i am in their prayers that i wonder how i could've ever thought such a foolish thing.

Thank you everyone for reminding me that it is better to experience life- no matter what is thown at us- than to sit on the sideline and watch it all go by.
I'll stay positive.
I owe you one x

I received my appointment date for next (minor) surgery pre assessment - it's on the 27th of this month and to be honest I'm really scared.
It's only the pre assessment but it does mean that the surgery date will be soon after and although its only a colonoscopy and i know that i've been through a lot worse,its the fact that they will be looking for more cancer thats turning me to liquid jelly on the inside.
I've been in a bit of a funk this morning,i haven't been feeling on top of things for the last few weeks and i sat there this morning,obstinately making my coffee last 3 times longer than necessary (because MissK had generously promised that i wouldn't have to move off the sofa until my coffee had been consumed) wondering WHERE i would manage to find the energy to go back to battle if they do find anything.

Cancer has taken more out of me than i could ever have imagined i could give.
Its a struggle to live with the result of all the treatment and operations and its hard to explain that even on a good day I'm only firing on two cylinders. I feel like i constantly short change MissK (oh the irony of having a hugely active child when I'm sluggish at the best of times!!) in the parenting department.

MissK- the sneaky smarty pants that she is suggested that i put some music on from her special 'dance' playlist of fast songs. Then even sneakier she suggested that i put on the 'cat song' (If i ever feel better by phoenix) which she knows full well always gets me up and dancing. Strangely the lyrics also seem VERY appropriate today and it was a timely reminder that i cant control everything it my life.
Life is a chaotic event and sometimes we just have to let it wash over us and draw strength to do what is needed when it is needed.
And theres probably not much point worrying about it until then.

I wanted to write a quick postscript to my earlier blog about the difference that a positive way of approaching a situation can make:

MissK is now three and a half and a total water baby. She will spend as long in the bath as i let her (literally hours at a time if she can!) and adores the shower ...but HATES getting water in her eyes. She has long hair that needs either washing or conditioning every two days to keep on top of the knots.
So,as you can imagine,hairwashing in the shower has always been a trial involving screaming,yelling,thrashing around and lots of MissK sobbing "no Mummy no! Stop stop stop stop stop!!!!".
Heartbreaking and hard on both of us.

Well,blow me down last week- she said to me (without any suggestion from myself) "I'm going to laugh not cry when you wash my hair today Mummy"
"Are you?" i replied in heavily skeptical tones
She proceeded to get into the shower and wet her hair herself,i lathered her head up and picked her up to get her close enough to the shower head to wash the suds out...
And she closed her eyes and started laughing. Truely she did.
Obviously it was a put on laugh not a real one.But it wasnt kicking screaming or yelling either.
I finished rinsing the shampoo out and put her back down and she went back to playing with her bath toys.

After her shower i asked her why she had decided to laugh when i was washing her hair and she told me that she "likes laughing" and that it "makes washing easier".
Words of wisdom from a three year old.
Exactly the same situation that she has fought tooth and nail her whole life,and used a lot of tears and energy letting me know how much she dislikes. And now she's decided to approach it from a happier point of view and it is a BREEZE for all involved.

We've had several showers since then and she's done exactly the same thing each time.
Amazing.Sometimes kids just knock my socks off.

We have had day after day after day of rain in Wellington this week. MissK and i finally walked to the supermarket in the grey drizzle just to get out of the house yesterday.
On our way we found the most amazing blossom tree and i was reminded that all this Spring rain was feeding all the new life that the world was growing.
Beauty even in the murk!