Isn't it funny how after a while even miracles become tarnished,abit like when you live in a house with an awe inspiring view but over time you stop seeing it.
I seem to have lost sight of the big picture over the last few weeks,bogged down with the day to day slog of tiredness,a defiant,rule-rejecting preschooler,rebellious body and constant niggling worry about the future and finances.

The fact of the matter is that no matter which way that you look at it - I'm here in this world and even the hard times are a gift when the choice is to be alive or not be alive.
In its own way its so easy to be grateful and appreciative when a huge life changing event is taking place (even if its intensely scary!)- it makes you see that awe inspiring view all over again.
It's the daily life that its easy to get lost in. Every now and then we get a sharp reminder of what we have.
Mine came this week when i was reading about a friends Zumbathon to raise money for a 32 year old who had died from cancer (i hope i have all my facts right) and obviously,as that was my age when i was diagnosed, it was as if someone had just dumped abucket of ice cold water on my head and yelled "Buck UP lil Missy!!! Look what you have and be grateful!!!! Dont just sit there,make the MOST of it because it could have all been so different"

And indeed it could have.
There would have been a time when i would've heard that news and thought '32 years old?gosh thats sad' but now i cant help wonder about the family that she left behind. The people that loved her who will miss her every day. What and who she could have been and i wonder how you would even start living with that kind of loss but i guess that that is the investment that we make in our lives,if you give deeply you will received deeply but the flip side is that you may also lose deeply.
A close friend said to me recently that becoming a parent has made her more fatalistic- she suddenly became aware of all the things that could go wrong in the world.
I know what she means,embarrassing to admit but i cry in movies where children die these days -even grown up children and even corny movies. MissK has opened up a whole wonderous part of myself that i never knew exsisted.
But its frightening too and i know that is what I'm finding so hard about the upcoming tests.
After having gone through the cancer challenge once i had my eyes opened to what i had in my life and now I'm twice as scared to lose it.

Maybe the way to look at it is not to waste the next two weeks worrying about whats coming up but instead to spend the next two weeks relishing every boring,hard,funny,exciting,wonderful aspect of my life just in case.
That wonderful defiant preschooler of mine is showing me tenacity that will help her achieve what she wants in her life,that wonderful manchild of mine who sometimes comes home tired and grouchy is pushing himself to exhaustion to provide for his family. There is a flip side to every situation,i just have to work harder to see it.

The most wonderous thing I can think of is not even tangible.
If it all went pear shaped tomorrow,MissK is of an age now where she would have memories of me- when she wouldn't have 2 years ago when i was 32. I'm grateful in a way that i cant describe for that.Hopefully she will remember long mornings snuggled in bed reading books,baking cakes,splashing in puddles,chasing the dogs in the backyard,picnics,playgrounds and lots and lots of TIME together over the last 2 and half years.
Tell me again what more i could possibly wish for?