Manchild's migraines have come back with a vengeance this week (7 in the last three days) as his back has tightened up after a year of hard labour.
Thank goodness he managed to get an appointment with the ostio tonight to give it a right good cracking/straightening out.
Its reminded me exactly HOW far we have progressed over the last 2 years (SO easy to forget!) and i thought that it was about time to make a wee list of things that i am grateful for in my life today...

Being here for another year to see our haphazard Christmas tree who's decorations are rearranged daily by the excited MissK.
And to be living in a country where we have power to plug the tree in and a roof over our heads....

Having time with my daughter to make these (super simple) Christmas decorations together to hang on our tree.
Watching her amazement as pipe cleaners turned into 'candy' canes that she could put on her tree.
Feeling like i was the smartest person in the world (even if it was just in her eyes only)...

'The' jacket (photo for you MM) that we were gifted (the previous post).
Divine,indulgent and gorgeous- it will NOT be saved for best but instead worn at every occasion that we can get away with :-)
...

All the well wishes and love from family and friends for the festive season.
I especially love this card as MissK is really in the anticipation of Christmas this year- Shes not particularly fussed about the gifts (no doubt that will kick in next year!) but manchild and i are LOVING the excitement and wonder that she is bringing into our household.
Complete delight over the tree,the advent calendar,the tinsel, Christmas lights and Christmas baking....

And of course, my family (including Himself who is holding the camera).
We are not perfect
But being Happy doesnt mean that everythings perfect,
It means that you've chosen to look beyond the imperfections.

I'm very very grateful for every little niggly imperfection that my family (close,extended and honorary) and friends choose to bestow upon me this Christmas season.

And one last thought thats carrying me through as the pre- Christmas stress levels reach fever pitch....
Everyday is a new beginning,Take a deep breathe and start again.

In the true spirit of Christmas this morning i received a beautiful generous gift from a stranger.
I had brought a gorgeous (and well under priced) cardigan from her on Trade me,to keep MissK Warm next winter- For a whole $4.
When i opened the parcel today it also included a Pumpkin Patch velvet blazer that the sellers daughter had worn once the previous years Christmas day.
It was BEAUTIFUL,in immaculate condition and something that i would not usually buy for MissK as it was (obviously) an expensive item that would not keep the rain off but ,man did it look gorgeous.
The seller had put a Christmas card inside the parcel wishing Christmas love from her family to mine and also a note explaining about the extra jacket and that she hoped my daughter would get some special use out of this jacket that she loved so much that it was kept for 'best',and her daughter had infact only worn it on one occasion.

Little did the seller know when she did this amazingly wonderful thing,that i have a black velvet blazer -which is also wonderful and beautiful (and was given to me by one of my ex-bosses,as it was not something that i would splurge on for myself). MissK coverts my blazer,she strokes it and gently rubs her cheeks on it. "its SO soft Mummy" she whispers every time i wear it,so you can just imagine the look on her face when i showed her what she had been sent.

As human beings we are capable of so much.Of changing the lives of those around us in ways that we may never fully understand ourselves.
The lady who sent us MissK's new blazer never knew that i have been fighting cancer or that we are a struggling single income family or that MissK would have loved a velvet blazer of her own but it was a luxury that i couldnt afford her right now.
Its likely that she will never know that she put a smile on my face that has lasted all day, That she made me feel so happy and blessed that i was extra patient with MissK when she was tired and cranky this morning or that i spent a large part of the afternoon thinking of ways that i could do something for someone else to share this feeling with them and to brighten their day also.

Its so easy to become wrapped up in what immediately around us and its worryingly easy to fall into the trap of not doing things for people we dont know because we wont be there to reap the benefits.
Its a skill which i plan an practising with MissK as soon and as often as possible to teach her the true gift of giving,which i have been touched with this feastive season.

A small,generous gesture from a stranger that has brightened my life -hopefully some point in the near future,and many times in the future after that i can brighten the life of someone that i have yet to know.

post script

I just wanted to add a little P.S to all that blogging about pre diagnosis:

P.S. My appetite completely evened out after the BIG operation.I used to not be able to go for 2 hours without eating,i would get faint and it felt a bit like my stomach was trying to eat itself!
One of my doctors asked my after the operation in July if i knew how cancer works .I have no idea,i replied- even though i had gone through 2 operations,radiotherapy and chemotherapy by this stage i still really didnt understand what had happened to my body.
He told me that cancer eats your body or rather it makes your body consume itself by mutating the cells.it effectively eats away at your muscles and fat layers.

The diet that i had/have to live by with my stoma is constricting but its nothing as bad as my eating habits and constrictions before the diagnosis.Again,it probably seemed awful to my family and friends at the time but they had no idea of what i had been putting myself through for the last 10 years and how extreme the situation had become- to be honest until i wrote it all down i didnt really appreciate how extreme it had become!

I still have to eat fairly frequently now,mostly because i try not to overload my stomach and possibly cause a blockage in the stoma and also because i 'm more prone to migraines these days and being very hungry can trigger one.
(Plus i turn into a short tempered,unreasonable cow when i'm hungry so its best not to let it happen!!) but i dont get the same unhealthy gnawing feeling that i used to get.

Looking back i think i had 3 shortfalls in this whole situation.
1/  I was too ready to believe what the professionals told me.I think now that if i had pressed harder maybe i could have made someone take me more seriously

2/ I was scared of finding out that there was  something seriously wrong with me.It ties in a bit with number one and readily excepting what i was told because it was a 'safe' answer.

3/ I had many misconceptions about cancer and what it was.I pretty much thought that you got it when youre old,born with it or you bring it on yourself (lung cancer through smoking,liver cancer through drinking etc). I was so so wrong. I didnt understand that you can get cancer in ANY part of your body and it can come for no apparent reason.

The other thing that i didnt realise is that there are so many treatments for cancer these days that it doesnt have to be a killer,especially if it is caught early.
Its so worth pushing for a test if you think there may be something wrong because your chances of a normal healthy life are so much higher the earlier they catch it.
Basically - if you have PERSISTENT symptoms that make NO sense even if you have tried the remedies that should work,MAKE someone check you out.
We have an AMAZING public health system in NZ,i really cant say enough good things about it-well.i quite literally wouldn't be here today without it. Its there to protect you and keep you healthy,dont make my mistakes.
Take care of yourselves,your life and your health.

pre diagnosis #4

Our wonderful beautiful MissK was a reflux baby...and not the silent type,the vomity type.
I gave birth on a Friday and Manchild was back to work on Monday so i was at home by myself with the brand new miraculous vomiting child.She vomited constantly.
The first 4 months were a constant cycle of feeding and her vomiting the entire feed up as soon as she was moved off the breast and then having to start the feed all over again (didnt diminish my love for her at all,i hope you understand.But did mean that we had to change clothes a lot!)

At 4 months she had two nights (nicely coincided with my brother coming over from Melbourne to meet his new niece for the first time) of waking for a feed every 30-45 mins all night long.
I realised that she was hungry and not getting enough from me so we put her on formula for her last feed before bed (worked a treat). I was expressing to try to keep my milk flow up but i barely had any milk and the milk i did have was watery,with hardly a layer of fat on it at all.
I thought at the time that it didnt look very nourishing but i didnt really have any experience of breast milk to compare it to.

MissK was a very active,determined baby.At 3 weeks old she knew that when she heard the door creak she could tip her head backwards in the bassinet and see who was coming into the room.At 4 weeks you could put your hands under her armpits and she could support herself on her legs. She never did tummy time because she hated it and within a couple of months she had learned to flip over onto her back from her tummy.

She never crawled but did a little scooty shuffle thing and then by 6-7 months was cruising the furniture or taking steps holding onto the dog.
In typical MissK fashion on the same day -at 9 months old- she cut her first tooth,said Mama for the first time and took her first steps...followed by about 60 more (from the bedroom,to the lounge,kitchen and back to the bedroom).
Life was so busy with a new baby around the place that for a while my own problems didnt bother me.
I lost baby weight fast,not that there was a lot of it to lose. Within approx 4 months after the birth i was back into size 8 pants (this isnt so hard!i thought).

me and the 5 month old child

I know that by the time that my brother and sister in law had their wedding celebration in October i was in a lot of pain.It was hard to concentrate on much else apart from my stomach. I didnt really eat many meals anymore and was always a combination of hungry and nauseous.
I coped by having handfuls of food regularly throughout the day.

In December missK and I travelled down to Dad's house for a mini family reunion with my brothers (and wives) who had come over from Oz and the Uk. It was a brilliant amazing trip.
I was tired all the time.seriously ALL the time.MissK would nap and i would nap.
Now,i know what youre thinking but MissK had been sleeping through the night for a few months now,so i was getting a full nights sleep.I was just bone tired all the time.

MissK's first birthday party in January was hard work and shortly afterwards my old flatmate, MrI's vibrant Mother died of Cancer followed by another close family friend (who used to childmind my brother and i when we were little) also from cancer.
I went to both funerals in the same week.
MissE has told me that she actually commented to MrI that she didnt think i was very well at Heidi's funeral.By then i really wasnt very well. The second funeral was even harder,but i made it through...just.

All i really remember about the next couple of weeks was that i could hardly move.I lay on the beanbag in our lounge for hours on end hoping that MissK would be able to entertain herself next to me with her toys and only getting up if i had to get something for her.
She was brilliant and put up with my shortcomings very well.
I just kept thinking that it was constipation and that at SOME point surely it had to come out!! The idea that it was cancer never even entered my head at all- i didnt even relate bowel problems to cancer in any way.

And then on the 26 of Feb i woke up,sat on the edge of bed bed,looked down at my distended belly and rang the doctor.I need to come in right away i told them.
I rang my mum to look after MissK and she went a bit pale when i showed her my tummy.
I went to see the doctor (a new dr that i had not seen before) and she took one look at me and said with a big smile "congratulations!when are you due?"
"thats the problem"I said,"I'm not"
"oh"she said.
Oh.

She gave my an internal anal exam (ouch) and said :you need to go to the emergency room right away.I'll ring and tell them that you are coming.
I rang Manchild and he left work to come with me,our mum's took shifts looking after MissK.
They run a triage system at Wellington Hospital A and E, so the receptionist asked me how much pain i was in.I said "I gave birth last year and this is much much more painful."
"Than giving birth?"he asked
"yep" By that stage it actually felt as though something was ripping apart inside my stomach,the pain was really very extreme.
They took me in almost straight away.

the first nurse who examined me didnt want to give me any pain relief because she said it would make the constipation worse.
"A bit late for that dont you think?"Manchild said.
the second nurse who came in took one look at me and said "I'm getting you Morphine".
So i tried Morphine and for the first time in 10 years my stomach stopped hurting.I couldn't stop the big Morphine induced grin that spread across my face.
Manchild laughed "I think thats the first time I've seen you smile this week" he said.
"its been a tough week"i replied.

I was in A&E for a while before they figured out what was wrong.
They gave me a suppository (to no avail) and took x rays."stand up straight" the x ray lady said but i couldn't because my stomach wouldnt stretch out any more.
At 11 that night a doctor came in and gave me another internal exam.A nurse was with me and i was very very scared."you have  a massive tumour blocking your rectum and bowel"he said 'i can see it without the help of the scope-its so large"
"a tumour?"i said grabbing tight to the nurses hand what was he saying?
"You have cancer- Do you want me to ring someone?I have to take you in for surgery now.i dont think that your stomach will last the night without rupturing"
"I cant tell them" i said,shocked "You'll have to"
So he rang my mum and she came down to the hospital (manchild was at home with MissK)
Then i rang manchild.Then i went for surgery.

That first hospital experience was awful just because i didnt have any knowledge at all of what was happening,what was going to happen or what any of  the information that the doctors were telling me actually meant. But i do clearly remember once the discomfort of surgery had worn off  thinking what a miracle it was to have that horrible awful constant nagging pain in my abdomen GONE.
it was a wonderful wonderful wonderful feeling.

pre diagnosis 3

At the end of 2006 Manchild and i took a road trip down the West Coast of the South Island to visit my Dad and Step Mum for our (me and Manchild's ) birthdays.
At this point i could no longer make solid bowel motions,everything was runny and watery (ewww,right?Sorry about the honesty!). My stomach would sometimes be fine and sometimes be swollen and tight  and painful. i suspect that even when it was fine,it was probably still sore - i had just adjusted by then.

I had one particularly bad spell while we were down there and Manchild INSISTED that i go and see the local doctor.
"no point" i said, "I know whats wrong with me - i've got dodgy guts and i'm blocked up"
"its not right" said he.
"Maybe not" i replied "but its just the way it is".
I went anyway because he wanted me to. The doctor had a good feel of my tummy and told me that i was constipated. But it REALLY hurts,i told him.I have these cramps where i almost have to bend over because they hurt so much.
Constipation can be incredibly painful,he told me.
Too right it can,i thought.
He offered me a script for Metamucil but i told him that i already had some.
(- i realise now that i neglected to say that when MrI and MissE were living with me i started taking the metamucil religiously,the biggest dose you can,daily.No dice.)

A couple of things about what i was thinking at this point-
Although i had stopped seeing the therapist and my moods (and life!) were much much better,in the back of my mind i was fearful that they were right about the bi-polar and that i was just on a good cycle. I was still thinking that it was my own tension and anxiety that was causing these problems and that as none of the remedies that i had been prescribed had worked, it was my own body/mind that was causing issues.
In short- i thought that when i finally got my life sorted and happy,my body rhythms would come right.
Also my Dad and brother both suffer from sensitive stomachs so it wasnt an uncommon complaint in my family.

I was so happy with manchild though that it was easy to mostly block everything else out-we were out having fun all the time and i was working hard to try and achieve the 'balance' in my life that i thought would make everything come right and return to the way it used to be.
in March/April 2007 i decided to get a smear test. I hadnt had one for quite a few years and i knew of manchild's last girlfriends fondness for infidelity - so i went to the doctor to get a full check up and make sure that there were no nasties being passed from the ex,to him and to me.
I was stunned and devastated when they called me back a few days later to say that the smear had come back abnormal and that i would have to go to the hospital to get part of my cervix removed. I had never been to the hospital before and was as healthy as a horse (i thought).
I cried on the phone when the nurse told me,i cried when i told my mum and i cried when i told manchild.Both mum and manchild turned up at work (where i was when i received the nurses call) with gifts to cheer me up. It didnt really work but it was lovely all the same.

What i knew about cancer at that time was barely nothing:You get it and your lifes over (i thought). You get it because YOU have done something to cause it (smoking etc). If you are healthy and live a healthy lifestyle you WONT get it (haha).
I had (and still was to a large degree) lived an obsessively healthy lifestyle,got plenty of exercise and had never smoked or taken drugs- HOW could this be happening to me??

Around this time i stopped working for a family that i loved very much.I was already down to part time hours with them and after the news about the cervical cancer i just felt too stretched,like if i kept trying to keep all these balls in the court something was going to go PING in my head and it might not be un-ping-able.

I went and had the treatment done very shortly after i received the news of the abnormal smear.The doctor warned me that the cervix may find it hard to hold a pregnancy because thay had cuts parts out so it was weakened (and the parts that have been cut out dont grow back).
thats ok, i thought- i had been told when i was 22 that due to some medical issues from when i was a teenager that i would not be having kids and i had not used birth control for the last 8 years...and had not had kids.

Within 2 weeks of the procedure being done i was pregnant.
Deliriously happy and PREGNANT!!!!!! I was thrilled,totally over the moon with joy.
The pregnancy was very hard but it was my first pregnancy so i didnt know any better. I was sick for the first trimester and lost 5-6 kgs (my weight had dropped from approx 74kg premanchild days, to 59kg now) but morning sickness (or all day sickness in my case) is hardly anything new.
I think i put on 9-10kgs during the entire pregnancy. I was terrified that i would lose the baby and did everything in my power to make sure that my cervix held this baby in!!
I look back on those photos and i look ill.But i was pregnant and i thought you were meant to be ill when youre pregnant - i obviously wasnt going to be one of those lucky ladies who bloomed and blossomed but that was ok,i made up for it in happiness.
Plus on the practical side, i no longer had to suck my tummy in and all the abdominal aches and pains that i was feeling could be put down to the baby and body changes.
My midwife and the literature all assured me that constipation was normal and to just stay healthy.
Unfortunately we were still using film then so i cant put any photos on here for you but i didnt look well.

My stomach muscles also ruptured during pregnancy which was pretty painful,I'm not sure whether it was from the tumour that was growing and pushing my organs around- i (obviously) did not know it at the time but the cancer was all through my uterus and this little baby was struggling to grow alongside that muck.
I got bigger and bigger (and happier and happier).
My waters broke on the evening of Jan 24 (the day after my Dad's birthday) and we headed to the hospital the next morning after a pretty sleepless night.
The baby's heart rate was plummeting everytime i was having a contraction so it was decided that i needed drugs to get things moving (goodbye water birth!) -oxytocin,is it? And an epidural to reduce the pain.
Contractions started and then STOPPED as MissK's heartrate plummeted again and my body refused to push her out. My (amazing) midwife called in four different doctors at different times during my labour and each one told her she was overreacting.
She waited until 5pm for the epidural to wear off,hoping that it was that that was stopping the contractions.

Finally she took matters into her own hands (and thank goodness my mother in law,who is a nurse, was also there) and had a look inside me and realised that the cord was wrapped twice around MissK's neck and that it was strangling her each time i had a contraction.
My contractions had completely stopped but she told me i had to push NOW or we were going to lose the baby.I remember thinking 'not now,we cant have gone through all this to lose her now' and pushing so hard that it felt like my head would explode and again and again. My midwife managed to reach around MissK's head and snip the cord (while she was still inside me ) so that baby could come out.
She was bright blue and not breathing but My mother in law and midwife got her going and the happiest sound i ever heard was MissK's first holler.

check out the colour of MissK's hand.She was blue and then WHITE before the pink kicked in.Check out the happiness on her mama's face