One of the greatest gifts I've received from this whole cancer kerfuffle has been in my own sense of myself and the understanding that there's no point sitting around WISHING that i could be like this or be like that - Its MY life,I'm my OWN person and it's my RESPONSIBILITY to ensure that i conduct my life to the fullest and best of my ability.
I personally dont believe in regrets,I think that regretting actions that have already been done and cant be undone is a waste of time but i have come to realise that unless i want to be looking back at the end of my life thinking : "that could have been so much more fun than i made it.I could have done more,seen more and more importantly BEEN more " I need to pull finger now and start risking more of myself (Hello,Blog!!)

I was always this ridiculously conflicting combination as i was growing up of outgoing to the point of NO shame (and i really do mean none!) when i was comfortable, and painfully shy (to the point of absolute silence!) when i was not.
Life seems to have a way of wearing us down,and as i went through my late teens and early twenties and started to be more aware of myself as a whole and what other people thought of me,slowly the fun,outgoing,unfettered part of me faded away and i fell into the trap that I'm sure a lot of us do - thinking that i needed the excuse of alcohol to express myself.

I have to credit Manchild from pulling me back.He has always encouraged me to be as ridiculous as i like :-)  and as we became serious and started a family together i found myself in the grip of a paralysing fear of losing him (or rather,Him leaving as my parents had done) and the pain that it would leave behind.
For a while we teetered, my own  insecurities were nearly going to be self fulfilling,and cause what i was so scared of..To stop this from happening i told myself that it was ONLY pain and pain is ONLY a feeling. And no matter what I'm feeling i can deal with it.It was a mantra that i chanted in my head over and over when i needed to stop my fears from coming up to the surface and trying to protect me by pushing everyone else away.

The cancer was another setback but it has been a blessing in disguise. I cant really fathom now,what it was that i used to be so scared of.
I know that I used to be petrified to the point of shaking of being in new social situations but now i realise that we are all just people.We have the same range of feelings and emotions and no doubt we all feel somewhat awkward and uncomfortable when we have to get to know new people of do new things - maybe some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
What i would like to do for now and in the future is show MissK that nothing comes without risk.And mostly the thing that we risk is ourselves but what you get back is at least as great as you give. If you are safe in the knowledge and confidence of who you are and how you live and conduct yourself,you can rest assured that what you need will come...even if you cant always understand the road that its taking!

At the end of the day - i think that i no longer really care if someone doesnt like me. I am a good person and i have confidence that i live my life in a thoughtful,giving way. I care deeply for my family and friends and i would happily welcome new people into my life.
If my points af view dont agree with everyone,thats ok.
I can certainly say that i've met people who's points of view i dont agree with,thats because we have all had different life experiences and are coming from different places.  There was a time in my life though when i would have bent over BACKWARDS to try to please people who didnt like me and probably never would,now i can just say : "I'm chalk and youre cheese but i hope that you have a brilliant life" and i (mostly!) can say it with a smile.
What i want to now ensure for myself is that i can be honest about who i am and put it out there,so that i can get as much back as i can. I dont want to hinder my life worrying about a pain that MIGHT happen but hasnt happened yet.
 Life changes,unfotunately even the good bits never stay the same but i'm happy to roll with the punches and take what comes,good and bad,happy and sad as they say.
And on that note,i am extremely much looking forward to meeting some new people at the two year olds birthday party that MissK and i will be attending this afternoon,i wont be quaking in my (high heeled) boots,i will be smiling and dazzling (!!!) and encouraging MissK to get to know some new friends and to enjoy herself to her fullest extent.
bring it on lovely people!

I decided to put this photo in just because i love it and it reminds me of the amazingness of the world and the way it works.
When my waters broke (in the bathroom) and i came back through to the lounge,all of our animals gathered around and lay as close to me as they could.They superglued themselves to me until we left for the hospital the next morning...and they've all taken just as good care of MissK since the day we brought her home with us