there was two things that were really hard to adjust to over this stage of the journey.
The first being the loss of identity that inevitabley seems to go along with this sort of illness.I often wanted to yell  at the top of my lungs "I'm still the same person i was last week,last month and for the last 32 years dammit!!!!!!!" while some little voice whispered in my head that this wasnt strictly true. Its hard to suddenly become so dependant on others.I couldn't lift MissK or really tend to her needs at all,i couldnt vacuum or clean my home (you who know me know how much that would have irritated me!!) and where i used to walk for 2-3 hrs a day i could now hardly walk up the steps to the letterbox. It was very humbling. I remember saying to my Dad that i didnt know how to talk to people my age anymore because all of their concerns seemed so trivial and he told me  that i needed to accept that things were never going to be the same again and that i was never going to be the same and that i needed to be ok with the new person that i was going to be. It took me quite a while to be ok with the new Cat,some days i still struggle with liking her and her new limitations ...but to be honest some days i felt like that with the Old Cat too.
The second thing was watching my daughter turn to other family members for comfort and to fulfill her needs,which i knew was a necessity but it was a necessity that i REALLY didnt like.It was/is really important to look at the long term situation wherever possible. At the end of the day i had to remind myself that the best thing for MissK was to have a mother and whatever i had to do (or not be able to do in the short term) to make that happen was in her best interests. That didnt help all the time,but a lot of the time it did.

In April my friend from Geelong (I'll refer to her as MM) flew over,though i knew her family could ill afford the ticket.She, like me, had not appreciated the gravity of the situation until her lovely husband (who has medical training) told her otherwise and insisted that she come back for a visit. It was the best thing that could've happened at that time. My family backed off and left me in her capable hands and her and MissK (and MM and Manchild) all got to know each other. We had long talks about where my head was at with everything that was going on (which i hadnt talked to anyone about til that point).  i gained an enormous sense of strength and wellbeing from her visit and from spending time with someone who'd know me inside out since i was 13 years old. Obviously my biggest fear was still that the treatments wouldn't work and so her visit had the beautiful bittersweet feeling of saying everything that you need to say to someone you love alot,just incase...
(I love you MM)

 We three at Karori sanctuary during MM's visit

All too soon she was heading back over the ditch and the operation was fast approaching. I was having talks with the Urologist about the various options once they had removed my bladder and the best one (in my and his opinion ) was to have another bag on my chest (the same idea as a stoma bag) but with the bladder coming into it and a tap on the bag so it could be emptied without being changed.About now (feeling like the bride of Frankenstien) i was drawing strength from my earlier resolve to do WHATEVER it takes!
They were also talking about taking skin from my thigh to reconstruct the top of my vaginal passage. Apparantly it was a method that has been trialled in Canada but had not yet been done in NZ.In the end they decided to do it with a piece of bowel (icky huh?! Seems that bowel is actually multi purpose!). I just filed the idea away in 'lets not think about that right now' and got on with preparing for the Op.

Then in May Manchild came off his motorbike and broke his back in four places.All of a sudden i went from being looked after to looking after as he was in a full back/chest brace and couldnt move without agonising pain.It was a nightmarish few months during which we mostly concentrated on him so that he would be fit to run the child and household while i was gone. He was very very angry at himself for having had this accident right when his family needed him and (thank goodness for ACC) our already tight single income was now down to 80% of what it was. His migraines (which he suffered from previously and were extremely debilitating) returned with a vengence and he started a gruelling regime of physiotherapy.
There were advantages though,him being off work during the time i would be in hospital meant that he would get to spend two weeks on his own with MissK and also during one of his physio sessions he was given a trip about rolling a towel and supporting his neck during sleep to deal with the migraines (so simple!!) . It worked a treat ( i later invested in some really good quality feather pillows) and we've never looked back in that regard!
The other advantage (and i use the term loosely!) with him being injured was that we were now eligible for an hrs home support (a cleaner) per week. Weirdly we weren't eligible before even though Mike was working long hrs full time out in Tawa. Now that we were both at home someone could come and take care of the vacuuming,toilets and other things that neither of us could bend over to do.

I took part in an interview for one of my training radiotherapy nurses thesis while i was having treatment.
she asked me what i would advise others in my situation to do and i found it a very tricky question to answer,especially without sounding like a cliche. What i came up with is that if you feel something is wrong with yourself and you are getting told that everything is fine but you know its not dont accept what they are telling you just because the alternative is too scary.
I went and saw GP after GP after GP and in the end was told i had a mental illness that i didnt have (because all my problems were in my head,you see).If i had been honest and true to how i was feeling i feel that i shouldnt have accepted what they were telling me.deep down i KNEW there was something wrong and i feel that i shouldve made them see that too. Just because they are professionals people,DOESNT mean that they know you better than you know yourself.
Always keep in mind;human error.

Two other things before i end this post- i was prescribed Metoclopramide for the nausea and vomiting. Its the government subsidized drug and it has (reasonably common) side effects of anxiety,sleeplessness,restlessness etc etc. I found that Domperidone although more expensive (but not too bad) was fantastic. You can also take it in advance (for example if the motion from travelling is making you ill take it 15 mins before you get in the car).
Also- Radiotherapy causes scar tissue to form around the vaginal entrance (at least it does if youre a girl!). they will provide you with dialators at the hospital.Theyre painful and a bit embarassing to use but stick with them if you can- its better than the alternative.
Loperamide works great to deal with Chemo induced loose bowel motions. Take it immediately,dont wait around. Being able to control your own body is vitally important in feeling in control of your illness x