So finally we've reached the blog about the surgery,which i know I've been putting off writing as the whole experience still is just one long bad memory for me.
Obviously i dont actually remember the surgery itself but i do remember the weeks and weeks of dreadful anticipation and not being able to eat anything other than jelly for 24 hours beforehand.Getting up at half 5 and heading off to the hospital in the dark and shaking with fear during the car ride.
Once we got to the hospital i dug deep and found that eerily calm centre that we all have within ourselves. Events took a surreal turn and it stopped feeling like it was my life.
Manchild stayed with me as long as he could but when i  was called through to theatre we said our goodbyes,truely not knowing if we were saying goodbye for the last time. I remember all the surgical prep before they put me to sleep with perfect clarity and i still get that lead feeling in my stomach thinking about it.Getting swabbed up and injected (the staff were lovely),undoing my  gown and lying down on the gurney,looking around and thinking 'this is where its all going to happen' before they put the mask on and the anaesthetist saying 'now I'm just going to make you very sleepy...'
And then BANG my eyes opened and i was in ICU 13 hours later.
I had been on the operating table for 10 and a half hours and had lost a lot of blood (and received several transfusions). I felt terrible,i cant even describe how terrible i felt.The first person that i saw was an old close friend of mine from high school (who i hadnt seen since i  was 15) which was brilliant.I was so happy to see her (shes a nurse at Wellington hospital and an amazingly uplifting person). I remember introducing Manchild to her when he was allowed in and thinking 'well,this is weird'.

 

two of the photos i remember best that Manchild brought to me in ICU

The thing about ICU,i think,is that everyone in there is in critical condition so the staff have to exercise a degree of tough love to get things done. I remember them wanting x rays and they tilted my bed almost to standing because i couldn't move at all and me thinking 'oh for *%@!!'s sakes cant you take your blimmin x rays tomorrow?' and then being hastily injected with anti nausea drugs by the nurse as a started to throw up from the movement of the bed being rearranged.
 I remember that they keep putting more and more fluid into me (because my blood pressure refused to rise) until my fingers were like sausages and i could hardly open  my mouth to speak.
I remember my hard ass nurse (who was just doing her job) bullying me out of bed and into the chair next to the bed bec i should've been mobile (according to her),looking at the machine that was keeping all my vitals steady- i swear in was 6 foot tall and looked like something out of transformers and thinking 'no wonder Manchild looked so freaked out when he came in here' and then falling asleep in the chair and hearing the doctors say 'just let her sleep'and then waking up in bed again 24 hours later.
I remember refusing to eat (i cant explain how tender your insides are after this kind of surgery!)and only drinking once they threatened to put the tube back down my nose to feed me (bring on the fortisip!!)
I remember too,after a couple of days there was a problem with the drip incision on my neck (the mainline i think its called) from memory a bit of it had come off in my neck or the skin had sealed over it or something and they had to do a minor operation without any extra pain relief.It was 2 in the morning (but time doesnt really have any meaning in ICU) and i was thinking 'ouch!'
Most of all i remember seeing manchild again for the first time and the feeling that all was good and safe and secure in my world with him in it.
He told me that my brothers baby had been born (J texted from Australia to tell him that labour had started literally 10 mins after i had been admitted to theatre) and the next time he came in he brought photos of my new nephew with him.
I remember thinking that the circle of life just keeps on trucking and how wonderful it was that during this scary time in our lives my brother was celebrating such a miraculous event as meeting his new son.
And i remember Manchild telling me that they had managed to save my bladder and me thinking 'uh oh' because i had been briefed on what would happen if they left the bladder in place (my surgeon was very keen to take the bladder out but my urologist was at odds with him about that idea) but thats another post because thats about as many of these memories that i can cope with without overloading and now i need to go and sit and drink a nice hot cup of coffee and chill before MissK wakes up.