So...
by far one of the best things that we did when we moved house was (i never thought i would say this!) NOT putting any of our mirrors up.
Yes,you read that right.
In our old flat we had 2 full length mirrors (the one in our room made a person taller and slimmer and was basically pretty fab),one on the bathroom cabinet and another smaller one in Missk's room.
Actually its not really true that we haven't put any mirrors up-we put the small one from MissK's room up on the new bathroom windowsill because,hey! A girl's got to see to tweeze or it could just be disastrous!
BUT in it you cannot see any part of your body and none of them are in MissK's eyesight at all.

I never thought that i would relish living in a mirror free household but i have noticed (a bit like scales) if they are there,a person can become a little bit obsessed with checking in on them all the time - well at least i do,and i noticed that the little Miss seemed to be picking up on my bad habits.

I always thought that  a mirror in the house was necessary to ensure that you are presenting your best self to the outside world but I've actually come to find in the 6 months that we have been here that:
not only do i NOW present my best self to the outside world because i am free of worrying about what the outside of me looks like
But,surprisingly,i actually really do represent myself better in my clothing choices because i dont unpick myself (and my body image) once i look in the mirror. I (literally) make an instinctive choice abut which clothes i think will look best together and then i go and put them on. And i enjoy wearing them all day long.
I'm bolder in my clothing choices (because i no longer look at my reflection and think "i look ridiculous in that!").I wear what appeals to me,what feels good and what i want to have on my skin.

Even more surprisingly i dress tidier now.I 'dress up' more than i did before. I'm enjoying myself and the event of dressing more. And i am adoring my daughter no longer checking herself out on every reflective surface in the house- she has more than enough time for those worries later in life.

Not that it hasnt taken a bit of adjusting to - i think manchild (strangely) found it hardest (i was waaaayyy over mirrors the first time my stoma prolapsed) And i am SURE that i have left the house in all manner of random assortment of clothing.
But thats what i wanted to wear at that time,thats how i was feeling that day and i'm fine with that- happy even,now that i think about it.

One day last week MissK and I even wandered down to kindy in our big cat masks - me a tiger and her THE most adorable black n white oversized housecat i've ever seen.And i was fine with that too because ,truth be told, i WAS feeling particularly tigerish that day ...

my lil tiger

...Now if only i had a stripey jumpsuit with tail to match.

After another morning started with rain, a housebound restless preschooler and myself on week three of illness i had to remind myself not to be taking all the wonderous things in my life for granted.
I went on a grateful hunt  - here's a few of my faves for today...

This may look like just a door to you but MissK is at the age where nap time is met with much resistance! Behind this door my little one blissfully slumbers....

Manchild and i will be out AFTER dark tonight!! I cant wait! A movie! Of my favourite band! And i'll be seeing it with my favourite person! Did i mention that i cant wait??

One of my favourite possessions,shipped over to me from the States as i surprise gift from MM. I cruise through it every night before sleep.

Yes its a basic machine but i love it.
Yes, its our kitchen/dining room table but it works and I'm glad to have it.

My remaining much loved cat,I'm so grateful to have you. I was very worried that Wasabi would leave home when Mo died but he's still here  ... watch this space,we're on the lookout for the perfect companion

And BLUE sky and sunshine after all that rain and cold.


Yes I'm a happy and lucky girl to be here living this day.

Hope youre all having  one as great as mine

Goodbye Mojo

I hate loss. And death. Death i can mostly manage since its a part of life that i accept but the absence of the life force that was there is such a hard thing to bare.
I'm not being morbid or dwelling on dark thoughts but my cat died this morning and i miss him enormously.
A cat. I know, i know its only a cat right?

He was my old boy though.Before i met Manchild- back in the days when i was prone to random fits of crying at odd times day or night- he was the one that would snuggle up next to me and purr til i felt better.
Once Manchild and i had moved in together - and i was now given to laughing at odd times day and night- he got shut out of the bedroom for the first time and he would sit outside the door and headbutt it until i caved and opened it for him.

He came to me second hand,a cat who would shoot out the catdoor as soon as he heard steps coming down the front path,usually not returning for 6-12 hours later. I slowly saw him coming out of his shell and morphing into the purriest,cuddliest,friendliest cat you ever met.
Since he has been with me, our little family of two has grown and grown and grown...expanding to me,him,2 large dogs,1 other crazy cat,manchild,MissK and 36 fish. With each addition Old Mo got grouchier and grumpier until we started calling him by two names : Mojo when he was good natured and Mojo jojo (you power puff girls fans will know what i mean by that name!) when he was not!.
He ruled the household with an iron claw and heaven help any dog noses foolish enough to get in his way.

Manchild,MissK and the old boy

He and my other cat Wasabi were inseparable -wasabi loved the rain and was always up to mischief. He would come home,soaking wet and covered in all sorts of debris and lie down infront of Mo like a sultan and Mo would obligingly lick him from top to tail until he was clean dry and fluffy once more. This morning Wasabi has been wandering around looking as lost as i feel.

MissK was the one who surprised me,although we had been preparing her for weeks about what was going to happen,she was absolutely shattered when he died. She cried so hard that she couldn't speak for about half an hour,utter devestation at losing her first pet and constant companion.She was inconsolable- really truely understanding that Mo would not be coming back.

I have to tell you though The strangest thing happened this morning- one of those moments that make you realise that there might be something more going on in the universe than we know about.(i swear this story is the absolute truth)
When we got out of bed Mo was curled up in the grass and it was obvious that he was having trouble breathing.We got him a bowl of milk and helped him to drink some,we werent sure how long he was going to last-hopefully another few days but we didnt want him to be in un necessary pain.
Mike went out to see his dad and i was sewing at the kitchen table. About 40 mins passed and then i suddenly said "Oh my God!!!" REALLY loudly and scrambled up from the table and ran outside as fast as i could.
Mo had moved to his side and as i watched and stroked his head he took his last breath and died.
I dont know what made me run outside at that moment but i am incredibly grateful,for me and for Mo, that we were together when his life ended.
I love you boy.We will never forget you or stop missing you.

The optimist's creed

These amazing words were sent to me by my sister in law.
Written by Christian D. Larson in 1912 they are a very relevant guide to life even today and are what i would like to achieve as often as i possibly can.

Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you. 

Oh Yeah, Thats  what I'm talking about!!!!

Dont tell me that setting your mind on achieving a goal isnt half the battle won- i know it is.
Nearly exactly a year ago i sat down at my mother in law (or out law as she prefers to be called) 's ancient sewing machine (having never sat down at one in my adult life) and started to fulfill my hospital promise to myself that i would learn to sew.
It was hard going and my first blanket (made for Missk so that if the need ever arose,she could sleep with something just for her, safe in the knowledge that her mother loved her enough to sweat blood while making it) ,although i really love it-the patterns and colours- is really really badly made.

I've learned tricks and shortcuts along the way.
I've become best friends with my quick unpick and eaten humble pie and started whole blankets over more times than i can count.
I've walked away from patterns to stop myself from throwing them in the fire in frustration,only to come back and keep working at them months later.

Tonight i finished this....

 double sized kiwiana quilt backed in buzzy bee brushed cotton and overlayed with koru design

Although still not perfect,
It is a LIFE LONG goal that i have had to make a proper quilt.
And it feels AMAZING to have achieved something that for 4/5 of my life i have told myself that i simply could not do (was not clever enough,knowledgeable enough and of course,knew nothing about sewing) .
No i never took a lesson (too expensive ), no i dont have a state of the art sewing machine (too expensive),yes i have to budget and wait and fit sewing in whenever and wherever i can

Ridiculously bad at following written instructions,i probably mastered things slower than i might have but who cares? I got there in the end . So all i can say is YEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWW

That thing you've always wanted to do? Why not give it a try? With a little perseverance and a decent dollop of determination and doggedness , no doubt  you'll get there too.

I didnt have such a good night last night.
Every time i think about hospitals in hindsight they dont seem so bad,and truth be told,in my experience the hospital itself isnt the problem.Its the pain.
Last nights temporary bowel blockage reminded me EXACTLY what it was that was so horrible. The unrelenting cramping pain for hours and hours (3am onwards- why is it always a middle of the night thing??),sweats,nausea,discomfort,sorness and the dreaded dries ending with a copious upchuck around 10am and finally with the stomach emptied the stoma could start to clear out the backup.

Oh yes,thats right,i remember.
It was bad enough to be experiencing it at home let alone isolated in a small drab room with none of your own creature comforts around for distraction.
Thank Goodness for Mothers who rush over to childmind when they get an early morning text.Thank Goodness for children who sleep in til 9am when it counts.
Thank Goodness for hot showers and electric blankets,24 hour rubbish on tv and modern medication.
Thank Goodness for living in a day and age when these are all available to us and so much more.

Its 4.10pm now,I'm weak and shaky but also showered and feeling fresh.The bedsheets are waiting to be changed and the rugby world cup starts tonight so I'll be watching that with the boys when they arrive (did i mention I'm a kiwi chick? they build us tough around here).
I'm very very grateful my body seems to have worked through its issues- and now i have been well and truely reminded what the hospital experience was like and why its so important to chew my food.

I promise the lesson has been learned,so please please PLEASE dont come back to remind me again for at least another 2 years.

One of the greatest gifts I've received from this whole cancer kerfuffle has been in my own sense of myself and the understanding that there's no point sitting around WISHING that i could be like this or be like that - Its MY life,I'm my OWN person and it's my RESPONSIBILITY to ensure that i conduct my life to the fullest and best of my ability.
I personally dont believe in regrets,I think that regretting actions that have already been done and cant be undone is a waste of time but i have come to realise that unless i want to be looking back at the end of my life thinking : "that could have been so much more fun than i made it.I could have done more,seen more and more importantly BEEN more " I need to pull finger now and start risking more of myself (Hello,Blog!!)

I was always this ridiculously conflicting combination as i was growing up of outgoing to the point of NO shame (and i really do mean none!) when i was comfortable, and painfully shy (to the point of absolute silence!) when i was not.
Life seems to have a way of wearing us down,and as i went through my late teens and early twenties and started to be more aware of myself as a whole and what other people thought of me,slowly the fun,outgoing,unfettered part of me faded away and i fell into the trap that I'm sure a lot of us do - thinking that i needed the excuse of alcohol to express myself.

I have to credit Manchild from pulling me back.He has always encouraged me to be as ridiculous as i like :-)  and as we became serious and started a family together i found myself in the grip of a paralysing fear of losing him (or rather,Him leaving as my parents had done) and the pain that it would leave behind.
For a while we teetered, my own  insecurities were nearly going to be self fulfilling,and cause what i was so scared of..To stop this from happening i told myself that it was ONLY pain and pain is ONLY a feeling. And no matter what I'm feeling i can deal with it.It was a mantra that i chanted in my head over and over when i needed to stop my fears from coming up to the surface and trying to protect me by pushing everyone else away.

The cancer was another setback but it has been a blessing in disguise. I cant really fathom now,what it was that i used to be so scared of.
I know that I used to be petrified to the point of shaking of being in new social situations but now i realise that we are all just people.We have the same range of feelings and emotions and no doubt we all feel somewhat awkward and uncomfortable when we have to get to know new people of do new things - maybe some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
What i would like to do for now and in the future is show MissK that nothing comes without risk.And mostly the thing that we risk is ourselves but what you get back is at least as great as you give. If you are safe in the knowledge and confidence of who you are and how you live and conduct yourself,you can rest assured that what you need will come...even if you cant always understand the road that its taking!

At the end of the day - i think that i no longer really care if someone doesnt like me. I am a good person and i have confidence that i live my life in a thoughtful,giving way. I care deeply for my family and friends and i would happily welcome new people into my life.
If my points af view dont agree with everyone,thats ok.
I can certainly say that i've met people who's points of view i dont agree with,thats because we have all had different life experiences and are coming from different places.  There was a time in my life though when i would have bent over BACKWARDS to try to please people who didnt like me and probably never would,now i can just say : "I'm chalk and youre cheese but i hope that you have a brilliant life" and i (mostly!) can say it with a smile.
What i want to now ensure for myself is that i can be honest about who i am and put it out there,so that i can get as much back as i can. I dont want to hinder my life worrying about a pain that MIGHT happen but hasnt happened yet.
 Life changes,unfotunately even the good bits never stay the same but i'm happy to roll with the punches and take what comes,good and bad,happy and sad as they say.
And on that note,i am extremely much looking forward to meeting some new people at the two year olds birthday party that MissK and i will be attending this afternoon,i wont be quaking in my (high heeled) boots,i will be smiling and dazzling (!!!) and encouraging MissK to get to know some new friends and to enjoy herself to her fullest extent.
bring it on lovely people!

I decided to put this photo in just because i love it and it reminds me of the amazingness of the world and the way it works.
When my waters broke (in the bathroom) and i came back through to the lounge,all of our animals gathered around and lay as close to me as they could.They superglued themselves to me until we left for the hospital the next morning...and they've all taken just as good care of MissK since the day we brought her home with us