it was a strange thing after the surgery,because the scary event that i had been dreading for so long was over and i think that i had thought that life would suddenly get easier but the truth of it was that the long haul was just beginning.
i was far weaker than i had been anytime previously and was getting repeated infections (before they introduced me to the GEN) and of course i was back in the swing of the nausea and tiredness that the chemo brings.
I recall spending literally weeks (2 or 3 weeks at a time) inside without leaving the house for anything other than hospital visits. Life was much more of an effort for this last leg and i was exhausted with a capital E. The fuss of my diagnosis had died down and my family and friends who had rallied amazingly for the last year were now returning to their own lives so i was doing more at home (childcare and housework) on my own which,depressingly, was harder than i thought it would be.I'd sometimes get that fluttery,hard to breathe feeling in my chest when i thought about looking after busy MissK with no help- terrified that one day she would cotton on to the fact that her Mama could not keep up with her.

One good event and one bad event stand out particularly for me at this time:
My surgery had been so successful that they could take a month off the length of my chemo (joy!!!!!)
About two months after my discharge my stoma prolapsed majorly again, so after the other treatments had finished there would still be more surgery to come (not joy at all).

In September we received a letter from Manchilds work making him redundant - they couldn't wait any longer for him to come back to work. He sat down and rang every contact in his cellphone,asking if anyone had any work going and by the end of the day he had a job on a trial basis- i will never forget the gratitude i felt that day for his friend (J) for taking a punt on someone in need,who had broken his back 4 months earlier but really really needed to work to support his family.
i literally broke out in a cold sweat when i thought about Manchild not being at home to rely on anymore but it had to be done and he was fighting his own challenges as he battled to make his broken body work for him in his new (very physical ) job. We used to joke at the end of the day that at least one member of our family was healthy-missK- and she was running rings around us at this time.Both of our bodies not being up to the physical level required for an active toddler....having said that though,we pushed ourselves harder to meet her needs which i think was beneficial. Its so easy to just sit around when youre feeling sore but even small amounts of movement do help.


with all the antibiotics that i was taking for infections at this time i would sometimes be having up to 18  pills per day (all with different instructions about when i could eat and when to take them!) and they were one of the bits that i couldnt WAIT to be done away with.
So the year progressed,Christmas was lovely. My Dad was here for Christmas day (first time I'd had Christmas with him since i was about 16) and it was especially special to have reached the end of the year - Feb 26 seemed like a lifetime ago and it was astonishing to think of all the things that we had accomplished since then.

 Dad and Miss K on Christmas morning


On boxing day Manchild,MissK and i took a roadtrip up to New Plymouth to pick up a new pram. It was really just an excuse to do something that no one thought i was up to doing (and yes,i did pay for it in tiredness the next day but it was worth it at the time). The feeling of being together (we 3) on our own,away from all the responsibilites and worries that Wellington held (well really it was me that held them but Wellington represented them)  for us was brilliant. And although a massively long (we drove there and back in a day) ,hot,tiring trip it was a day that no doctors,nurses,friends or family knew anything about. It was a day for just me and my two favourite people (making a trip that we would've once done without a second thought) and is actually one of my highlights of the entire year.
I was also aware that the chance of the cancer re-occuring was 50-70% but believe me when i say I'm not going to dwell on that until it happens (IF it happens).

The Christmas morning sunrise from our deck

My deadline was to be finished with the chemo by MissK's second birthday - which i just managed to do. The after effects of the treatment do hang around in your body like a delayed response but knowing that i was done with that was amazing.
The following Feb i had my first whole month in a year without a trip to the hospital (of course i had appointments at the end of Jan and the beg of March but thats beside the point!!!!).
I still had two more operations to come but for now i had more pressing matters- i had thought long and hard over the last year about who and where i was in my life and what i had accomplished and what i wanted to accomplish.
I've never had very high goals above family and 8 years ago i was told i wouldn't be able to have kids,almost 3 years ago i was diagnosed with cervical cancer and operated on to have that removed,and unbelievably, two weeks after that i got pregnant.My pregnancy was very hard and my contractions stopped during labour because MissK was in distress.
My midwife had to cut the cord from around MissK's neck while she was still inside me bec it was wrapped so tightly and i had to push her out without contractions to help.When she was born she was bright blue and not breathing and a year later the doctors told me they dont know how its possible that i carried her to term with the cancer through my uterus.
MissK,you are the light that shines on my life.I know how hard you fought to be in this world and i could never let you down by not fighting as hard also.Every day that i wanted to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself i got up and fought the good fight for you. Its not my strength that kept me going,its yours. I feel so privilaged to have you in my life and to able to watch you grow whether it is for an extra year,10 years or twenty years.

We all have our challenges in life and i dont think that anyones is harder than anyone elses,they are all just different circumstances and by the same vein we all have different reasons to keep going.
I feel blessed that my reason is a bubbly cheeky long haired tolerant understanding little monkey, who has all too often seen her parents faults and loves us anyway.