After the surgery in last October one of my old bosses hired cleaners to come in once a week for as long as i needed them. At the time i remember indignantly saying 'i can look after my own house thank you very much!!' but the truth of the matter was that i couldnt. The cleaners were INCREDIBLE!! If anyone whos reading this is in a similar situation i would so strongly urge you to enlist the help of a service like this right from the start of your treatment.
Once a week they would come in and do window sills,toilets,walls,dusting- all the things around the house that i just did not have the extra energy to deal with. The thing you need to be aware of is how much time youre going to be spending at home (in our case a tiny 2 bedroom flat) and you need your environment to be an organised,positive relaxing place to grow stronger in.

In Feb i had my first clear CAT scan.The doctors are quick to remind you that the scans dont show everything and i have 3 monthly bloodwork so that they can pick up any changes that might be happening. I will be having yearly CAT scans and colonoscopy (a camera down my stoma) as well as seeing my oncololgist and surgeon 3 monthly for the next 5 years. The cancer was all through my lymph nodes (which transport it around your body in your blood) so i definately have that lurking fear always sitting at the back of my mind that it might come back but I have had 2 years more with Manchild and MissK than i thought i would at one point.and every extra day I have is priceless.

Everything has not suddenly become easy.I think recovery is almost as hard and takes as long as the treatments! (I'm sorry to be blunt) but sex is intensely painful but i figure that its better than not being able to have it at all-and you know what they say about practise making perfect!
I still hit that wall of exhaustion where i feel sick,blurry vision and feel dead on my feet. It happens suddenly so i ration myself to planning one event per day and having the rest as down time. I try not to push myself too hard and if i feel frustrated i remind myself how much has already changed since i came home from surgery and that it will continue to do so.
My stoma has NOT prolapsed again (yahoo!) mostly because they stitched it in inside my chest this time.It works great and is a daily reminder of the miracles of medicine and the lengths that people i didnt know have gone to ensure i have the best life possible.

 me and the child April 2009

In March we moved out of our pokey flat and into a proper house in a new suburb.Its been brilliant (and hard) -starting MissK at kindy and going to a chemist and video store where NO ONE knows about my past illness. Its given me the opportunity to push myself (especially in social situations) because nobody expects me to be any different.
I found that between last Oct and March i started to buy into the idea that i wasnt up to coping with things and that i needed other peoples help with everything.Now I try to challenge myself daily,some challenges are small - chatting to the teachers and other parents at kindy,getting the floors mopped or walking the skyline walkway with MissK - but baby steps are still steps.

                               me and the child August 2011


This experience has had so many positives to it. Manchild and i have seen each other through some truely terrible times and have bolstered each other when the other couldnt cope. We've stepped in and done more when the other couldn't and after all the anger,fear and frustration we can still have a laugh and get on with living our lives.I feel very strongly that i've altered my life and his and i have to work hard not to dwell on that because my negative thoughts make waves in our family.
One of my biggest weights at the moment is that I'm not able to cope with going back to work and cant yet see a future where i could and  I see the stress that money has over my manchild.
I frustrate him at times for being too Pollyanna-ish and seeing a rainbow behind every cloud,but thats just my pure happiness to be alive and i dont know that anyone could go through what i have and not feel like that.
I feel very very strongly that i have robbed MissK  of a sibling and that she will always be alone. I hope that we will be able to give her opportunities that we might not be able to give her if we had had more children and that she knows how much her Mama utterly loves her.
MissK has really coped with things amazingly.She knows about my stoma and the catheters and the cancer. When she hurts herself she tells me that 'it hurts but tomorrow it will be better than today' and i want to hug her and never let go. She went through a stage of being really upset if i was in bed during the day but I'm stronger than that now and have been for a while.
I still rely heavily on family and Missk has developed amazing bonds with all her Grandparents that i truely dont think she would have if i hadnt gotten ill. I've learnt to admit when i'm not coping (mostly!) and i hope that if i feel anything go wrong in my body now i would push until someone listened and not hide from the truth of the situation.

i promised myself when i was ill that if i got better i would learn to sew and walk in heels.So far i'm doing both and loving it.I wear heels anytime i want (mostly heeled boots),whether its practical or not -i always wanted to
be the kind of girl who could sway around in them but never thought i could be.Now i realise that i can be anyone i want to be and do anything i want to do.in the past i have been the only thing holding myself back.
And sewing?oh i love the sewing! Inspired by an amazingly creative woman (you know who you are MissRotorua).When i was first diagnosed i brought her handmade blankets for as many of the kids in my life that i could so that they would have something physical from me (just incase,you understand),and when i was mostly housebound i think it was sewing that pulled me out of my funk.
It gave me something to focus on that i COULD do even in a weak and recouperating state (funny how things happen for a reason sometimes) and made me feel like i was still achieving and accomplishing.
So here we are,in August 2011.
Me, a very different person than i was in 2009,a stronger person who can now say to herself  "you've conquered cancer,you CAN do this..." whenever she feels challenged or faultering. Physically i have come out of this experience weaker than i was but mentally I'm so much stronger.
The story doesnt end here but i am so so so grateful to be here to tell it.